7 tips on how not to be a good boss

Dedicated to AB: who helped me get it right (the times that I did).

I’ve written “how not to” guides before (e.g. 7 tips on how not to write a book, 7 tips on how not to write a book, 7 tips on how not to write a book), but now that I’m not a boss anymore (after we closed down Profian earlier this year), I feel there’s enough space between when I was a boss and now for me to write my latest. I’m not pretending I was the best boss in the world (though one of my previous employees just sent me a mug saying “World’s Best Boss” – just sayin’), but I tried to model good behaviour and a healthy work environment. I had to work at this: it’s not my default place of comfort. So if I can get how you’re supposed to do it, then hopefully anyone can.

Note: please, please recognise that this is satire. Please.

1. Don’t ask how your employees are

Some people start off meetings with small talk. This is not what you want. They find out what participants have been up to, what they plan to do over the weekend, and other irrelevant “EQ” stuff like that. None of this is related to business and is a distraction from the work that your employees are paid to do. In fact, that you are paid (or pay yourself) to do. It’s a waste of time, and time is money, so it’s a waste of money, particularly when it’s your time and your money. You don’t need to know other people, their views of priorities to work with them or manage them. Give them tasks, get a move on.

2. Expect the same commitment from your employees that you put in

You may be paid more than everyone else (if you’re not, then why not? Fix that!), and the organisation for which you work is what defines you and everything about you, and this may not be true for everybody else you manage, but that’s no excuse for them not giving everything (their workday, their evenings, their weekends, their health – emotional, physical, spiritual, mental) for the company. That goes for the lowest paid to the highest paid employee (you). If they’re not giving it their all at all times, they don’t deserve a job. Get on with it.

3. Family? Friends? Pets? What do I care?

People get ill? Maybe. What’s that to do with me? You’re paid to do a job, and that job doesn’t include your taking time off to look after them. And certainly not pets. Pets aren’t even people. So they can’t be family. Ridiculous. They can make their own way to the doctor/vet. Oh, and by “taking time off”, I include evenings and weekends when you should be doing as I do and committing every last minute of your time to the company (see previous note).

4. Talk, don’t listen

You’ve been a junior person (unless Daddy/Mummy promoted you directly to where you are, in which case, well done), and so you know all of the important things: there’s nothing else that people need to teach you. This means that you can tell them what needs to happen, and if things don’t happen as they should, then that’s their fault for not paying sufficient attention to you and your words of wisdom – or just being too stupid to understand. In either case, disciplinary proceedings are likely to follow. And not for you, absolutely not.

5. Apportion blame, take credit

When things go wrong (which they often do – see above), then it’s not your fault. Make that clear. Spread blame. However, when things happen to go right, we all know who that’s down to, don’t we? You. Your leadership. Your vision. Your management. Even if you don’t actually know much about what went right, you can still take the credit. What a brilliant boss you are.

6. Keep information close to you

Most people don’t need to know things. Provide the very least that they need to do their jobs – or, preferably, even less than that: make them work it out themselves. If they need information, you have leverage. You can get them to work harder, or take on new tasks, or hold off from that raise that you’ve been dangling in front of them for the past 18 months. This is also useful when taking credit for things your team has done: if nobody else knows the details, there’s less chance that they’ll try to question you on it.

7. Expect telepathy

You can’t do everything. This is both a blessing and a curse, in that you have less control, but more free time (or time to do the things you find important, which is nearly the same thing, or should at least seem to be the same thing to your employees). This means that you have to delegate. There are four methods to delegate:

1. Research – get a subordinate to research options and report back so you can make a decision.
2. Updates – the subordinate does the work, reporting back to you as required across the duration of the tasks.
3. Done – the subordinate does the work, and tells you when it’s complete.
4. Exterminate – you hand the task completely over to the subordinate, to be completed or killed the task at their discretion, no need to inform you.
   

You’ll note that these form an acrostic: “RUDE”. This is because it would be rude of you to give any clues as to which of these models you expect when you tell someone do to a task. They should be able to work it out themselves telepathically and, again, the less information you give them, the more opportunities there are for it to be their fault when it goes wrong.

I hope this last of tips is useful for anyone wanting not to be a good boss. I can pretty much guarantee that the more of these you adopt in your management style, the more successful you’re going to be (at not being a good boss). Good luck!