16 ways in which users are(n’t) like kittens

I’m going to exploit you all with an article about kittens and security.

It’s summer[1], it’s hot[2], nobody wants to work[3].  What we all want to do is look at pictures of cute kittens[5] and go “ahhh”.  So I’m going to exploit you all with an article about kittens and (vaguely about) security.  It’s light-hearted, it’s fluffy[6], and it has a picture of two of our cats at the top of it.  What’s not to like?

Warning: this article includes extreme footnoting, and may not be suitable for all readers[7].

Now, don’t get me wrong: I like users. realise the importance of users, really I do.  They are the reason we have jobs.  Unluckily, they’re often the reason we wish we didn’t have the jobs we do.  I’m surprised that nobody has previously bothered to compile a list comparing them with kittens[7.5], so I’ve done it for you.   For ease of reading, I’ve grouped ways in which users are like kittens towards the top of the table, and ways in which they’re unlike kittens towards the bottom[7.8].

Please enjoy this post, share it inappropriately on social media and feel free to suggest other ways in which kittens and users are similar or dissimilar.

Research findings

Hastily compiled table

Property Users Kittens
Capable of circumventing elaborate security measures
Yes Yes
Take up all of your time Yes Yes
Do things they’re not supposed to
Yes Yes
Forget all training instantly
Yes Yes
Damage sensitive equipment Yes Yes
Can often be found on Facebook
Yes Yes
Constantly need cleaning up after
Yes Yes
Often seem quite stupid, but are capable of extreme cunning at inopportune moments Yes Yes
Can turn savage for no obvious reason Yes Yes
Can be difficult to tell apart[10] Yes Yes
Fluffy No[8] Yes
Fall asleep a lot No[8] Yes
Wake you up at night No[9] Yes
Like to have their tummy tickled
No[8] Yes
Generally fun to be around No[8] Yes
Generally lovable No[8] Yes

1 – at time of writing, in the Northern Hemisphere, where I’m currently located.  Apologies to all those readers for whom it is not summer.

2 – see 1.

3 – actually, I don’t think this needs a disclaimer[4].

4 – sorry for wasting your time[4].

5 – for younger readers, “kittehs”.

6 – like the kittens.

7 – particularly those who object to footnotes.  You know who you are.

7.5 – actually, they may well have done, but I couldn’t be bothered to look[7.7]

7.7 – yes, I wrote the rest of the article first and then realised that I needed another footnote (now two), but couldn’t be bothered to renumber them all.  I’m lazy.

7.8 – you’re welcome[7.9].

7.9 – you know, this reminds me of programming BASIC in the old days, when it wasn’t easy to renumber your program, and you’d start out numbering in 10s, and then fill in the blanks and hope you didn’t need too many extra lines[7.95].

7.95 – b*gger.

8 – with some exceptions.

9 – unless you’re on support duty.  Then you can be pretty sure that they will.

10 – see picture.

11 – unused.

12 – intentionally left blank.

13 – unintentionally left blank.

Happy 4th of July – from Europe

If I were going to launch a cyberattack on the US, I would do it on the 4th July.

There’s a piece of received wisdom from the years of the Cold War that if the Russians[1] had ever really wanted to start a land war in Europe, they would have done it on Christmas Day, when all of the US soldiers in Germany were partying and therefore unprepared for an attack.  I’m not sure if this is actually fair – I’m sure that US commanders had considered this eventuality – but it makes for a good story.

If I were going to launch a cyberattack on the US, I would do it on the 4thof  July.  Now, to be entirely clear, I have no intentions of performing any type of attack – cyber or not – on our great ally across the Pond[2]: not today (which is actually the 3rd July) or tomorrow.  Quite apart from anything else, I’m employed by[5] a US company, and I also need to travel to the US on business quite frequently.  I’d prefer to be able to continue both these activities without undue attention from the relevant security services.

The point, however, is that the 4th of July would be a good time to do it.  How do I know this?  I know it because it’s one of my favourite holidays.  This may sound strange to those of you who follow or regularly read this blog, who will know – from my spelling, grammar and occasional snide humour[6] – that I’m a Brit, live in the UK, and am proud of my Britishness.  The 4th of July is widely held, by residents and citizens of the USA, to be a US holiday, and, specifically, one where they get to cock a snook at the British[7].  But I know, and my European colleagues know – in fact, I suspect that the rest of the world outside the US knows – that if you are employed by, are partners of, or otherwise do business with the US, then the 4th of July is a holiday for you as well.

It’s the day when you don’t get emails.  Or phone calls.  There are no meetings arranged.

It’s the day when you can get some work done.  Sounds a bit odd for a holiday, but that’s what most of us do.

Now, I’m sure that, like the US military in the Cold War, some planning has taken place, and there is a phalanx of poor, benighted sysadmins ready to ssh into servers around the US in order to deal with any attacks that come in and battle with the unseen invaders.  But I wonder if there are enough of them, and I wonder whether the senior sysadmins, the really experienced ones who are most likely to be able to repulse the enemy, haven’t ensured that it’s their junior colleagues who are the ones on duty so that they – the senior ones – can get down to some serious barbecuing and craft beer consumption[8].  And I wonder what the chances are of getting hold of the CISO or CTO when urgent action is required.

I may be being harsh here: maybe everything’s completely under control across all organisations throughout the USA, and nobody will take an extra day or two of holiday this week.  In fact, I suspect that many sensible global organisations – even those based in the US – have ensured that they’ve readied Canadian, Latin American, Asian or European colleagues to deal with any urgent issues that come up.  I really, really hope so.  For now, though, I’m going to keep my head down and hope that the servers I need to get all that work done on my favourite holiday stay up and responsive.

Oh, and roll on Thanksgiving.


1 – I suppose it should really be “the Soviet Union”, but it was also “the Russians”: go figure.

2 – the Atlantic ocean – this is British litotes[3].

3 – which is, like, a million times better than hyperbole[4].

4 – look them up.

5 – saying “I work for” sets such a dangerous precendent, don’t you think?

6 – litotes again.

7 – the probably don’t cock a snook, actually, as that’s quite a British phrase.

8 – I’m assuming UNIX or Linux sysadmins: therefore most likely bearded, and most likely craft beer drinkers.  Your stereotypes may vary.

 

Security at conferences – a semi-humorous view

Next week, I’ll be attending and speaking at Red Hat Summit in San Francisco.   I’ve written before about how annoying I find it when people don’t stay on topic at conferences, so rest assured that I won’t be making any product pitches: in fact, I plan to hold a vote during the session to determine some of what I talk about, so if you’re attending, too, please come along and help choose.

In anticipation of the event and associated travel, I thought I’d compile a semi-humorous list of tangentially-security-related advice for anyone planning on attending a conference or associated exhibition/expo in the near future.  I’ve been to way too many in my *cough* 20+ years in the industry: here are some tips for conferences.

Oh, and before we start, if you’re at DEFCON, be more paranoid even than this, or even more paranoid than you think you need to be.  At most conferences, you don’t need to worry too much that someone might be spoofing the cell towers, for instance.  At DEFCON, well…

  • wifi – if you’re going to use wifi, use official hotel / conferences access points, rather than random ones which have names like “useme” or “theNSA” or “notRussianSpies” or “dataCollectionforFB”.  And even when you’re using the official ones, don’t trust them: use HTTPS and/or a VPN.  You know this: don’t forget it just because you’re at a conference.
  • what happens in Vegas makes it back to your boss – maybe not your family members, but definitely your boss.  I’ve been to conferences in Vegas.  I’ve seen … things.
  • bluetooth – your safest option?  Turn off bluetooth, particularly on your phone.  If you must leave it on (so that you can use your watch/headphones/other cool accessories), then never accept unsolicited pairing requests.
  • conversations – do you want to be talked to by random strangers?  Some people prefer to be left alone, and a growing number of conferences allow you to put a sticker onto your badge which will tell other attendees whether or not you’re happy to be addressed.   These are typically:
    • green: I’m so gregarious I’m probably not in a technical job, and am more likely to be in marketing
    • red: please, please don’t talk to me, or even glance in my direction
    • yellow: I’m in two minds about it.  If you’re going to offer me a job, make a pass at me or we’ve already met, then it’s probably OK.
    • (I have a serious question about this, by the way: what if you’re red/green colourblind and either very shy or very gregarious?  This approach seems seriously flawed.)
  • don’t leave your phone on the booth table – unless you want it to be stolen.  I’m always astonished by this, but see it all the time.
  • decide whether you’re going to give out your email address – for most shows, you give your email address out whenever you have your badge scanned.  So you need to decide whether you want to be scanned.  There are lots of other ways of giving out your email address, of course, and one is to drop your business card into those little glass bowls in the hopes of winning a prize.  That you never win[1].
  • getting pwned by booth staff – how do you get enough information about a company to decide whether actually to visit the booth and maybe talk to the staff?  Well, you’re going to need to approach it, and you may have to slow down in order to read the marketing messages.  There’s a set of rules that you need to be aware of around this behaviour, and it’s that staff on the booth can engage you in conversation if they catch you doing any of the following:
    • stepping on the coloured carpet tiles around the booth;
    • making eye contact[2];
    • dawdling[3].
  • languages – if you’re attending a conference in a foreign environment, you may wish to include a sticker on your badge to let people know in which languages you’re conversant.  US English is standard, but other favourites include Java, Python, UML and, in some circles, COBOL[4].
  • beware too much swag – I’ve only had to do it once, but I did once buy an extra case to take swag back in.  This was foolish.  There really is such a thing as too much swag, and as we all know, once you have more than three vaguely humorous techie t-shirts, you can rotate them through the washing[6] until you get the chance to visit another conference and pick up some new ones.
  • useful phrases – not even vaguely security-related, and this really relates to the languages point, but I was told a long time ago by a wise person[7] that you only need five phrases in the language of any foreign country[8] that you’re visiting:
    • yes;
    • no;
    • please;
    • thank you;
    • I’ll have five beers, and my colleague’s paying.

1 – except once, when I won a large drone which was really, really difficult to get home from the US and then turned out to be almost impossible to control in the windy part of the UK in which I live.

2 – do you know nothing?

3 – this is the tricky one: I reckon anything over half a second is fair game, but exact timing is culturally-specific, based on my observations.

4 – if you find yourself at a conference where lots of people are going around with stickers saying “COBOL” on them, or, more dangerous still, wearing t-shirts with “I know COBOL, and I’m not ashamed”, you have two options: a) run, fast; b) stick around, learn to converse with the natives and end up with a job for life making shockingly large amounts of money maintaining legacy banking code[5].

5 – but getting invited to a vanishingly small number of dinner parties or other social engagements.

6 – if you don’t wash your t-shirts, you’re not going to need to worry to much about [5] becoming a problem for you.

7 – I can’t remember when, exactly, or by whom, in fact, but they must have been pretty wise: it’s good advice.

8 – I include the North of England in the “foreign countries” category.

Changing the demographic in IT security: a radical proposal

If we rule out a change in age demographic, gender, race or ethnicity, what options do we have left?

This is a guest post by Sherlock.

We have known for a while now that we as an industry don’t have enough security specialists to manage the tide of malware and attacks that threaten to overwhelm not just the IT sector but also all those other areas where software and hardware security play a vital part in our way of life.  This is everything from the food supply chain to the exercise industry, from pharmaceuticals to wildlife management.  The security sphere is currently dominated by men – and the majority of them are white men.  There is a significant – and welcome – move towards encouraging women into STEM subjects, and improving the chances for those from other ethnic groups, but I believe that we need to go further: much, much further.

There is also an argument that the age demographic of workers is much too skewed towards the older range of the employment market, and there is clear evidence to show that humans’ mental acuity tends to decrease with age.  This, in a field where the ability to think quickly and react to threats is a key success metric.  The obvious place to start would be by recruiting a younger workforce, but this faces problems.  Labour laws in most countries restrict the age at which significant work can be done by children*, so one alternative is to take the next age demographic: millennials.  Here, however, we run into the ongoing debate about whether this group is lazy and entitled***.  If we rule out a change in age demographic, gender, race or ethnicity, what options do we have left?

It seems to me that the obvious solution is to re- or up-skill a part of the existing security workforce and bring them into the IT security market.  This group is intelligent*****, loyal******, fast-moving [I’m done with the asterisks – you get the picture], quick-thinking [see earlier parenthetical comment], and easily rewarded [this bit really is universally true].  In short, the canine workforce is currently under-represented except in the physical security space, but there seems to be excellent opportunity to up-skill a large part of this demographic and bring them into positions of responsibility within the IT security space.  So, next time you’re looking to recruit into a key IT security role, look no further than your faithful hound.  Who’s a good boy?  Who’s a good boy?  You‘re a good boy.


*this is a Good Thing[tm] – nobody**’s complaining about this

**apart from some annoying kids, and well, who cares?

***I could have spent more time researching this: am I being ignorant or apathetic?****

****I don’t know, and I don’t care.

*****mostly

******again, mostly