Following the phenomenal success of my ground-breaking article 16 ways in which users are(n’t) like kittens, I’ve decided to follow up with a yet more inciteful article on security folks. I’m using the word “folks” to encompass all of the different types of security people who “normal” people think of “those annoying people who are always going on about that security stuff, and always say ‘no’ when we want to do anything interesting, important, urgent or business-critical”. I think you’ll agree that “folks” is a more accessible shorthand term, and now that I’ve made it clear who we’re talking about, we can move away from that awkwardness to the important issue at hand.
As with my previous article on cats, I’d like my readers to pretend that this is a carefully researched article, and not one that I hastily threw together at short notice because I got up a bit late today.
Note 1: in an attempt to make security folks seem a little bit useful and positive, I’ve sorted the answers so that the ones where security folks turn out actually to share some properties with puppies appear at the end. But I know that I’m not really fooling anyone.
Note 2: the picture (credit: Miriam Bursell) at the top of this article is of my lovely basset hound Sherlock, who’s well past being a puppy. But any excuse to post a picture of him is fair game in my book. Or on my blog.
Hastily compiled table
|Completely understand and share your priorities
|Everybody likes them
|Generally fun to be around||No||Yes|
|Feel just like a member of the family||No||Yes|
|Always seem very happy to see you||No||Yes|
|Are exactly who you want to see at the end of a long day||No||Yes|
|Get in the way a lot when you’re in a hurry
|Make a lot of noise about things you don’t care about||Yes||Yes|
|Don’t seem to do much most of the time
|Constantly need cleaning up after
|Forget what you told them just 10 minutes ago||Yes||Yes|
|Seem to spend much of their waking hours eating or drinking||Yes||Yes|
|Wake you up at night to deal with imaginary attackers||Yes||Yes|
|Can turn bitey and aggressive for no obvious reason
|Have tickly tummies||Yes||Yes|
1 – relatively.
2 – no, you’re right: this is just hype.
3 – this is almost impossible to prove, given quite how uninciteful the previous one was.
4 – i.e., non-security.
5 – well, let’s pretend.
6 – well, I know I do.