Merry “sorting out relatives’ IT problems” Day

Today’s the day – or the season – when your mother-in-law asks you to fix her five year old laptop, unclog the wifi (it’s usually her husband, “stealing it all”) or explain why her mouse mat is actually easily large enough – she just needs to lift the mouse up and place it back in the middle if she can’t get the cursor to go any further right.

Lucky me: I didn’t even have to wait till Christmas Day this year: my m-in-law called us at home a couple of days ago to complain that “the email thingy isn’t working on my tablet and the Chrome has gone”. After establishing that her Chrome Book (upstairs) was fine, and she just couldn’t be bothered to ascend the stairs to use it for the two days before we came to visit and I could debug her tablet problem in person, I proceeded to debug the problem over the crackly wireless DECT phone they keep attached to their land line, instead[1].

Despite the difficulty in making out approximately 25% of the words down the line, I became more and more convinced that even if her tablet was having problems, then a reboot of her router was probably due.

Me: so you know which one the router is?

Her: umm…

Me: it’s the little box where the Internet comes in.

Her: is it in the hall?

Me, to the wife, who’s smirking, since she managed to offload this call to me: could it be in the hall?

Wife: yes, it’s in the hall.

Me: yes, it’s in the hall.

Mother-in-law: OK.

Me: there should be a power button on the front or the back, or you can just pull the power lead out if that’s easiest.

Her, clearly bending over to look at it: shall I just turn it off at the wall? That might be simplest?

Me: well, OK.

Her: Right, I’m doing that n… BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

It turns out that her DECT phone hub is plugged into the same socket. Of course. This is my life. This is OUR life.

Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year to you all.

1 – this, folks, is how to stay married for 23 and a half years[2].

2 – and counting.

16 ways in which users are(n’t) like kittens

I’m going to exploit you all with an article about kittens and security.

It’s summer[1], it’s hot[2], nobody wants to work[3].  What we all want to do is look at pictures of cute kittens[5] and go “ahhh”.  So I’m going to exploit you all with an article about kittens and (vaguely about) security.  It’s light-hearted, it’s fluffy[6], and it has a picture of two of our cats at the top of it.  What’s not to like?

Warning: this article includes extreme footnoting, and may not be suitable for all readers[7].

Now, don’t get me wrong: I like users. realise the importance of users, really I do.  They are the reason we have jobs.  Unluckily, they’re often the reason we wish we didn’t have the jobs we do.  I’m surprised that nobody has previously bothered to compile a list comparing them with kittens[7.5], so I’ve done it for you.   For ease of reading, I’ve grouped ways in which users are like kittens towards the top of the table, and ways in which they’re unlike kittens towards the bottom[7.8].

Please enjoy this post, share it inappropriately on social media and feel free to suggest other ways in which kittens and users are similar or dissimilar.

Research findings

Hastily compiled table

Property Users Kittens
Capable of circumventing elaborate security measures
Yes Yes
Take up all of your time Yes Yes
Do things they’re not supposed to
Yes Yes
Forget all training instantly
Yes Yes
Damage sensitive equipment Yes Yes
Can often be found on Facebook
Yes Yes
Constantly need cleaning up after
Yes Yes
Often seem quite stupid, but are capable of extreme cunning at inopportune moments Yes Yes
Can turn savage for no obvious reason Yes Yes
Can be difficult to tell apart[10] Yes Yes
Fluffy No[8] Yes
Fall asleep a lot No[8] Yes
Wake you up at night No[9] Yes
Like to have their tummy tickled
No[8] Yes
Generally fun to be around No[8] Yes
Generally lovable No[8] Yes

1 – at time of writing, in the Northern Hemisphere, where I’m currently located.  Apologies to all those readers for whom it is not summer.

2 – see 1.

3 – actually, I don’t think this needs a disclaimer[4].

4 – sorry for wasting your time[4].

5 – for younger readers, “kittehs”.

6 – like the kittens.

7 – particularly those who object to footnotes.  You know who you are.

7.5 – actually, they may well have done, but I couldn’t be bothered to look[7.7]

7.7 – yes, I wrote the rest of the article first and then realised that I needed another footnote (now two), but couldn’t be bothered to renumber them all.  I’m lazy.

7.8 – you’re welcome[7.9].

7.9 – you know, this reminds me of programming BASIC in the old days, when it wasn’t easy to renumber your program, and you’d start out numbering in 10s, and then fill in the blanks and hope you didn’t need too many extra lines[7.95].

7.95 – b*gger.

8 – with some exceptions.

9 – unless you’re on support duty.  Then you can be pretty sure that they will.

10 – see picture.

11 – unused.

12 – intentionally left blank.

13 – unintentionally left blank.